Di you ever have one of those dreams where you're Ellen DeGeneres and you have to give a talk at one of those places that the Mennonites tried to burn down only two days before? Me neither. Except last night. I suppose it's appropriate, since Ellen and I both have the same gender preferences, but we don't at all look alike. And the part I hated the most was when I tried to get a drink of water from one of those under-counter water dispensing things, the kind that slosh water all over your arm for no better reason than it's one of those dreams.

Of course, the Mennonites would never dream of burning down a building. At least, I don't think they would, since they're non-violence and pacifism, but it wasn't like there was any proof that they did it anyway. It just seemed to be a suspicion that hung in the air, much like the acrid odor of a burnt building.

Ellen, as it turned out, wasn't terribly prepared for this talk, which seemed to have been her first public appearance since her last HBO special. Funny how that happens. She had just finished the first part, which was more of a preparatory thing, when she went looking for the water. Big mistake. Often, the thing we think we want at the time turns out to be our undoing, and this was exactly the fate that befell Ms. DeGeneres on that smoky night. Wet arms.

Wet everything, actually, since it rained last night. Normally, this is a Good Thing here in the parched northern region of California, but I like my rain when I'm better prepared, when the grass is freshly overseeded, when the snails have all decided to go south for the winter. They've been especially fond of everything I've tried to grow this year, but I'd like to get at least one crop of late-season lettuce out of the earth before those slime machines digest it. I've decided to shun snails this year.

Shunning, by the way, is practiced these days only by the most conservative Mennonite churches. The practice -- common to other Anabaptist churches, such as Amish or Hutterite -- has fallen out of favor, and is now observed only by old order churches. I just thought you might want to know. I'm still awaiting comment from Ms. DeGeneres.