Golden Flew Sneezin'

It's that time of year around here, the time of the Kleenex -- brown grocery bags filled with used Kleenex -- a time when the hills are alive with the sound of sneezing. And coughing. Fall is a mere week old, and the official First Cold of the season has already arrived. This is a somewhat auspicious occasion around here, as it brings with it a recurring test of parental authority. Has common sense arrived yet, or will we still have to say things like "No, you can't go outside and play. Really. No, we mean it. No, your friends can't come over either." And then, of course, there are the dress code issues, things like "No, you can't go outside barefoot!"

Common sense has not arrived yet, sad to say. We'll have to wait another year, until Sweet Sixteen, to see if the time is finally right. But what has arrived, I'm happy to say, is the first official Chicken Soup of the season. Now, I'm not as Jewish as some -- I had a Jewish grandmother -- but I still feel the urge to crank out a killer Chicken Soup from time to time. And thanks to technology, that job is easier than ever. So here, for the first time ever, is my very own personal Killer Chicken Soup recipe.

1 - Go the store. Buy a barbecued chicken. Get some other stuff, too. Kleenex is good. Oh, and some of that gel stuff for the nose, since noses are notorious (and violets are blue?) for chafing when you blow them a hundred times per hour.

2 - Get some vegetables for the soup. I recommend one parsnip and a bunch of carrots, an onion, and parsley. Maybe some celery, too.

3 - You're probably out of dish soap. Better get some of that, too.

4 - Some rolls would be a nice touch. Good rolls, of course. They'll help perk up grouchy kids. Maybe something with cheese, like those spiffy Ciabatta rolls with Romano. (Of course, you might have to shop where I shop to have a shot at seeing something like this...)

5 - Well, now that you've spent an hour wandering around the store, you might want to head for the check stand so you can go home and start assembling your masterpiece. You do have some kind of grain, right? Barley? Rice?

6 - Seriously, you really do have to check out now and go home.

7 - Now that you're finally back home, chop up some of the vegetables -- Half each of a parsnip and a carrot, chopped fine, half an onion, and a quick-roasted clove of garlic (20 seconds in the microwave does the trick) -- and saute them in olive oil until they just start to brown.

8 - Add 12 cups of water and one barbecued chicken. One chicken isn't quite enough to flavor the water, so you should also add one tablespoon of "Better than Bullion" chicken soup mix or, if you don't have that, substitute two cans of chicken broth for two of the cups of water. Sorry; I should have mentioned that earlier. Sure, you can just scoop a couple of cups of water out of the pot but... Sorry! I meant to warn you that it'd be hot by now.

9 - Add the grain. Barley is always good, but it takes two hours to cook and you don't have two hours. You should have thought of that earlier. Wild rice is ideal, since it takes about as long to cook as the soup does. Oh, and some dried mushrooms. Porcini, if you have 'em. Oh, and a stalk of celery. Sure, I'll wait while you go back to the store...

10 - Let all this stuff cook for about 45 minutes. Then, chop the rest of the parsnip and carrot -- and an additional carrot - into thick slices and toss them into the soup. Take the chicken out, carefully. It's going to want to break apart into a zillion pieces, with lots of little bones that someone will choke on. You don't want that to happen.

11 - You really should wait for the chicken to cool before you take the skin off and remove the meat and chop it into reasonably sized pieces and toss it back into the soup. Really. You should let it cool.

12 - Bear in mind that the reason you started this whole Killer Chicken Soup project is because you have a sick child. A sick child who has been standing behind you this entire time, listening to you scream epithet after epithet each time you burned your fingers plucking the red-hot meat from the chicken. For shame!

13 - After you soak your burned fingers in ice water for ten minutes or so, summon the family so everyone can enjoy the delicious meal you have prepared.